Partner says kids ruined his life

“He said the kids are ruining his life—and I just stood there, not knowing what to do.”

This weekend, my partner looked straight at our toddlers, aged two and almost 4, and said, “You’re ruining my life. You make everything hell.” I just stood there, frozen. It was one of those moments that hits so hard you can’t even respond.

Our kids are typical for their age. They run, shout, make messes, fight one minute and play like best friends the next. They’re full of energy and emotions, because they’re kids. But lately, my partner can’t handle any of it. He constantly complains about the noise, says they never listen, that being around them is exhausting. He’s said before, “I don’t enjoy being a dad. I don’t like playing with kids. I can’t wait until they’re older.”

It’s not just the words—it’s the way he shuts down. He dreads weekends and holidays because it means more time at home with the kids. He zones out in front of the TV, and unless I’m there managing everything, the default solution is to turn on a cartoon and let the screen do the parenting. He doesn't play with them, doesn’t get on the floor to build things, doesn't draw or read or chase them around the yard. It’s like being a dad is just a job he didn’t sign up for.

I tried to go out for lunch with friends on Saturday, just three hours away from the house, and his first response was, “So I’m stuck here suffering with them alone?” When I called on the way home, he was fuming and said, “I've been stuck here with these damn kids.” Three hours. That’s all.

Our relationship hasn’t been great for a while. If I’m honest, it never had that deep spark to begin with, but we got along well enough and shared a lot of good moments. Now it’s just constant tension. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells trying to avoid setting him off. And when I suggested that this setup can’t go on, that maybe we need a real break, his response was, “Maybe you should just take them full-time.” Like that’s something he’d actually follow through on. I know for a fact if we separated, he’d fight hard for 50/50 custody—not because he wants it, but out of pride or control.

And that’s what scares me the most. I don’t want to send my kids away for a week at a time to be with someone who sees them as a burden. I don’t trust that he wouldn’t lash out or say hurtful things when I’m not there to step in. Right now, they’re little and probably don’t fully understand what he says, but what happens when they’re 7 or 10 or 12? When they do understand?

On the outside, we look like a picture-perfect family. House, decent jobs, two kids, dog, vacations, friends, all of it. But inside these four walls, I’m falling apart. I don’t know how to protect my kids without blowing everything up. I don’t know how to leave without leaving them behind with someone I don’t fully trust. I just know I can’t keep pretending this is okay.

Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? What did you do?