Family says we're too soft with our kids

My whole family mocks the way we raise our kids, but I worked so hard to break the cycle I grew up in, and now I’m scared I went too far the other way.

My husband and I have two kids. They’re good kids—kind, curious, and pretty typical for their age. Sometimes they listen, sometimes they don’t, and we deal with it like most parents do. But every time we visit my side of the family, it feels like we’re being judged. They make little comments about how we’re too soft or say things like “you’re just letting them walk all over you” or “must be nice with that free-range parenting style.” It’s said half-jokingly, but I can feel the criticism underneath.

What they don’t understand is that I grew up in a house where fear was the norm. My dad had a temper, and if I didn’t follow instructions the first time, I’d get yelled at—sometimes worse. There was no room for emotions, no explanations. Just obedience. I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells, and even now as an adult, I still panic when someone raises their voice or criticizes me. I’ve struggled for years with low self-esteem and was eventually diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. I honestly can’t believe no one ever reported my dad. He clearly needed help, and we just… survived it.

So when I became a parent, I promised myself it would be different. I’ve done everything I can to be calm, patient, and emotionally present. I explain things, I listen, and I try hard not to react out of frustration. I’m not perfect, but I’m proud of the way I’ve managed to stay gentle even when I’m exhausted or overwhelmed.

But now my family’s comments are getting in my head. I keep wondering—am I doing it wrong? Have I gone too far in the other direction? I don’t want to raise kids who think they never have to listen, but I also don’t want them to grow up afraid of me. I just want them to feel safe.

Has anyone else been through this? Tried to break a toxic cycle, only to be told you’re messing up in a whole new way? I’d really appreciate hearing from other parents who’ve tried to do things differently.